Thursday, October 19, 2006

Suicide Is Boring

I swear...if I only owned a gun. One moment of resolve is all I'd need. Virtue hasn't availed me any more than vice. And they're both nothing but vanity. All of this time gushes out of my life like blood from an open vein, with each moment as precious as one red ampule of life. But nothing I try will staunch the wound. I'm worn thin from the trying.

Razors pain you.
Rivers are damp.
Acids stain you.
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful.
Nooses give.
Gas smells awful:
You might as well live.

—"Résumé" by Dorothy Parker

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Eternal Fifth Wheel

*Sigh* I didn't go because I knew nobody would want to talk to me. I would just be someone to talk to. I'd only had moved from group to group, prying in, being awkward. I spent the whole day being a foole and a clown (though a useful little engine), and not one person said to me, "Hey, you're going to that thing afterward, aren't you?" So I decided to earn a golden star for church instead. And I kept my red, in spite of need pressing me to lose it. (How quickly I forget...)

Kitty Konspiracy

I think my cats are trying to kill me. (Cats aren't exactly known for their loyalty. If the foods good and they're treated well, they're pretty much anybody's.) Every time I've gone into my apartment today, my asthma has gone crazy. I'm pretty sure Bailey's behind it, with Pfeiffer as accomplice. I think they think they would be my beneficiaries if I were to croak, but don't realize that they couldn't legally inherit, or that my firm-provided life insurance wouldn't be enough to keep them in kitty kibble for all of their nine lives. I mean, it's not like either one has a CPA or a degree in probate law. (They are only cats, after all.) So, if I come to a suspiciousend, don't be tricked by their plaintive mews or crocodile tears.

Cuddly Critters, or Felonious Felines?!?

Monday, October 09, 2006

AIDS Walk Los Angeles 2006

Once again I am volunteering for the AIDS Walk. Last year I was a Delineator, which had me dodging through Hollywood traffic putting down and then later picking up cones. The volunteer coordinator informed me that I'm a "key" volunteer, meaning they know and trust me. (So obviously their standards aren't too high.) This year I am a Crowd Control Leader. I don't know what my duties will be (though I hope I get a gun!), but I'm certain it will entail getting up at the butt-crack of dawn and being nice to people all day.

The money raised by AIDS Walk Los Angeles benefits AIDS Project Los Angeles and other AIDS service organizations across Los Angeles County. AIDS Project Los Angeles, one of the largest non-profit AIDS service organizations in the United States, provides bilingual direct services, prevention education and leadership on HIV/AIDS-related policy and legislation.

AIDS Walk asks that volunteers collect sponsors. If you would like to sponsor me, please visit my donation web site. Thanks!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Beer, Cigarettes and a Can of Cat Food

I've been getting drunk almost every single night for most of August and September. After work I would go to the Mayfair Market down the road from me and by a six-pack of beer, a pack of cigarettes and a can of cat food. The can of cat food is to entice my kitties into the bedroom, where I close them in. I don't want to smoke in front of them, and I blow a fan out the window. (But I still feel like a "bad daddy.")

Considering all of this costs me about $15-$20 a pop, especially since I would frequently jaunt down to my local mini-mart for another 32-40 oz. to "top me off," it shouldn't be any wonder that I'm completely broke. (If you do the math, my excesses are costing me anywhere from $450-$600 a month.) I owe my father a significant amount of money, and I haven't made my monthly payment to him for June, July or August. Now I'm not sure how I'm going to swing my September payment (even though it is now October). I'm also a couple of months behind on my phone and utilities. And frankly, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage.

Star System

On the plus side, I have entered into a new phase of sobriety and asceticism, a new period of Lent, as it were. Since my personal shortcomings seem to limit me between Mardi Gras and Lent, I should do as my sister recommends and "Go for Lent!" I've come up with a novel idea using my "Day of the Dead" calendar and some foil stars. Basically, I put a star on the calendar day for each of the following:

  • Red Star=No sex (with another person)
  • Blue Star=No drugs (not even caffeine)
  • Green Star=No alcohol
  • Silver Star=Went to the gym
  • Gold Star=Went to church

The red, blue and green stars are the "core" ones that I want to get every day. The silver and gold ones are extras to signify other positive behaviors. I got my first silver today, and I am on day twelve of straight red-blue-greens. (Plus a couple of golds in there, too.) It's absurd, but the way my mind works, the thought of not getting all of my core stars and having a gap on my calendar is more compelling at keeping me abstinent than the vague concept of "I shouldn't be doing these things because they are self-defeating and harmful." My friend commented that if the same system he and his wife use to reward their five year old for "dry" nights works for me, then so be it. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep it up. I'll keep you informed.