Lovely Little Chemicals

Sometimes I feel a bit strange when I write about alcohol and drugs. Obviously they're a part of my life. And I think they always will be. I don't think I was designed for nonstop sobriety, even if I really wanted it in my heart of hearts. The problem arises out of the fact that I don't want to be seen as an advocate, but I'm not going to be a hypocrite either. I try to relate my experiences without bias, neither preaching for or against.

Most people don't aspire to an AbFab existence, but I honestly think I have the ability to go on my benders and then pull myself back. I know I can with cigarettes. I can smoke for a day or two (usually while I'm drinking or doing something else) and then go without for weeks on end without looking back. However, in spite of all of this, I can't deny that drugs and alcohol are a trap. They suck you in, lulled into a false sense of security. I can take some narcotics and have the will to get things done. I'll catch up on my work or clean things long overdue in my apartment. But after awhile, it becomes all about the pills as I sit in idleness, waiting only for the next spike. It's the same with alcohol. I can slam down a six pack with my smokes and make quite a grand evening of it. But then I find that I'm doing it every evening, and I get an anxiety attack at the thought of not drinking the next night. So maybe I can indulge my vices and still maintain. Or maybe I’m just fooling myself. I suppose only time
will tell.

"Time and again I tell myself
I'll stay clean tonight"
—David Bowie, "Ashes to Ashes"

December was quite a banner month for my intake. I was under a lot of pressure, both at work and at home. (More on that later...) And I managed to squeeze in some speed, some pain pills and lots and lots of alcohol. I even took overdoses of Lomotil, an anti-diarrheal medication and distant cousin to narcotics, for a bit of hard-earned high. (I apparently have a high tolerance for the atropine they put in there to discourage junkies like me from abusing it.) Now I’ve been teetotaling since New Year’s Day. (I know…How clichéd!) But frankly, it seems as if I’ve been white-knuckling it all the way, which is very odd considering how amazingly well things have been going for me. My goal is three months clean and sober. Just to show my bad habits who's boss. Like I said before, I'll just have to see how things go.

Forty Days and Forty Nights

My last effort to clean up my habits lasted exactly forty days and forty nights. (That wasn't a calculated thing, but it turned out kind of nifty.) It was good while it lasted, but I really don't care for "mechanical" systems or processes. Anyway, eventually I broke down and reverted true to form.

One last thing I would like to mention about drugs. I don't think I should ever do coke, or even marijuana again. (Pot makes me twitchy and anxious anyway.) I read about these areas, neighborhoods and lives torn apart by drug violence. I think it would be unforgivably immoral to support such a system.

Raison d'être

Last night I started writing some fiction again. Actually, I did some heavy revision to a short story I wrote about fifteen years ago. But it's the first creative thing I've done in years, and I'm very excited about it.