"But dreary, very..."

I'm struggling from underneath the shadow of depression and ennui, with such moony thoughts of death. My mood over the past to weeks has all but destroyed my work output, my sleep schedule and my gym regimen. I wanted to do something social after work tonight, but didn't have the means to put it together. I can't tell you how difficult it was to pass by the rows of beer at the store tonight. It was even more difficult not to hook myself up with some Vicodin, as my dealer called me today and let me know that she has more. I decided to pig out, since that seems to be the only vice I've left myself. But even then I made myself show some restraint. I didn't load up on empty calories and bought sugar-free pudding. (I needed chocolate!) Basically I just didn't bother counting up portions.

This is the first time in a week I've been able to buy food. I'm $350 overdrawn in my checking account. However, any check I write tonight won't clear before I get paid on Friday. I'm going to ask my ex for a loan, though I don't know if he'll be comfortable with it. I'm certainly not comfortable with asking him. I'd meant to ask him last night, and then tonight. But couldn't get myself 'round to it.

"We Live For Love"

A group activity at work today was for a senior partner, a fellow paralegal and a law clerk to critique my Yahoo! Personals ad. It was a bit surreal. They said I was too honest and forthright and that I'm living in Los Angeles and should think and act like an Angelino. I did make a couple of changes, but not all of the ones they suggested. They told me that my original title "Hollyweird Guy Seeks Boy Next Door" was an immediate turn off. So out of stubborn spite and whimsy, I changed it to "'It's a LaCroix!'." (cf. AbFab) If you happen to know any hot single gay guys (preferably rich), feel free to e-mail them my profile.

All in all this online dating thing has been an assault on my self-esteem. (Got my third rejection e-mail today.) As if I didn't feel old, fat and ugly before. Setting up a profile right now was probably a bad idea. I don't think I'll continue past my free trial.