The Price of Love

My therapist is constantly surprised at how "skewed" my perceptions are. (Though she maintains that I don't have a personality disorder...I'm not sure I agree.) I always feel out-of-sync/out-of-sorts around others. I don't mean to say that I think I have it "worse" than most people. I'm not that "skewed." (Though trying to quantify and compare suffering is, at best, pointless.) Quite the contrary. I only have to see the countless unfortunate people around me in a city like Los Angeles or read about the millions of unfortunate people around the world to realized how good I have it.

What I mean is that I always have the sense that all of the people around me in "my sphere," as it were, are navigating their lives more smoothly and more successfully, particularly when it comes to relationships. Everyone else has a large circle of friends that they can always hang out with when they want to do stuff and can turn to when they're in need of company and/or support. Everyone else is much more successful when it comes to dating and being partnered. Rationally I know that that's all bullshit. I mean, Captain Paranoia whispers in everyone's ear. But in the depths of my psyche, that's how I perceive the world.

I think it goes back to growing up gay as a child. In my pre-adolescent sexuality, I always knew I was gay, and pretty much always knew that it was "wrong." (There's a story to that.) This awareness worked a mindfuck on me. I was an outcast, an alien in my own family. I felt so isolated, as if I were the only gay person, except for those few disgusting perverts I saw being laughed at and despised. Everyone else was normal, living a normal, happy life. I was a freak, destined for a life of misery.

I turn sideways to the sun
Keep my thoughts from everyone
It's a jungle...
I'm a FREAK!
Hear me talk but never speak
—New Order, "World"