"Lead Us Not Into Temptation..."

My dealer called me and let me know that she has more Vicodins available. I'm on Day 9 of my fast, and it would be absurd to break down now and throw away everything I've struggled so hard for over the past week and a half. Pills would lead to booze (& cigarettes) which would eventually lead to gorging myself, which—in addition to breaking my fast—would be horrible for my body since I need to ease it back into food. Yet in spite of all this, I still can't see any real reason not to indulge myself. I remember a previous therapist telling me that I should follow the Alcoholics Anonymous principle of H.A.L.T.; that is, never let yourself get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I'm four for four! And I'm only too keenly aware of the disastrous consequences of this mood.

I wish I had someone to talk to and spend time with to sort this out. Every time I've sought treatment for narcotics addiction, the healthcare providers always commented on my "poor social support system"...as if it were a conscious choice. This blog might give people the wrong impression. I'm not some skulking social misfit. I'm actually an affable, gregarious person. My sister once told me she envied that large circle of friends I had in high school and college. But as an adult I've found it more difficult to find my social niche, and it's been particularly difficult here in Los Angeles. I wish I could be one of those guys who can cruise around WeHo and find a whole group of buddies to hang out and hit the clubs with. But I don't make fast friends. I make firm friends and inspire a great deal of loyalty. So I have my support system. It just happens to be spread out across the country, which doesn't do me a whole lot of good these times when I'm feeling an immediate need for companionship.

So here I am, struggling with my desire to hold my resolve and my desperate need for instant gratification. We'll have to see who wins. Thanks for listening.