Peevish, Prissy, Pissy & Pissed-Off

With a description of my current frame of mind like that, it almost makes you wish you could hang out with me in person, eh? The adjective “peevish” has some meaning for me. That’s how one of my best friends described me in her journal once. We were living together our senior year in college, but we weren’t really getting along, mostly thanks to our psychotic third housemate. I found my friend’s journal and took it upon myself to read parts of it without her permission. That may sound incredibly horrible, but I thought we had that kind of relationship, which just goes to prove how I never know what the fuck is going on in my interactions with other people. She wrote about how "peevish" I'd been lately. When we discussed it, she didn't get mad at me, but she told me that she used her journal as a private sounding board and asked me not to intrude upon it. To my credit, I never did again.

“Anger is an energy! Anger is an energy!”

In spite of what Mr. Johhny Lydon née Rotten says, anger can also make you impotent with frustration. Today at work my depression and anxiety kept weighing down on me until I just got fed up and angry over the whole situation. Now you have to understand something. As a paralegal, I have to bill my time to the client, and frankly I’m not very comfortable with out and out fraud. When my delightful array of disorders would overwhelm me in the past, I would leave a little early or come in a little late or, once every four to six weeks, call in sick. That is until my last review when my boss informed me that my attendance “is one of the worst in the office.” Of course, she brushed aside my superior work product and flat out denied my willingness to take on all the extra work the attorneys ask of me that the other two paralegals don’t do. (I don’t necessarily expect anyone to believe that I’m not simply delusional since I can’t prove these last two traits, but I could name about half of the office who would attest to them.) So since then, I have for the most part been a good little citizen: punching in and putting out like I’m supposed to. (And I must admit that this has been a lot easier lately since I’ve been off of drugs and booze...) On those days when my productivity is abysmal on account of how I’m feeling that day, I (usually) work off the clock or at home to make up for the lost time.

As for this afternoon, however, I simply left the office early. I told everyone I needed to go to confession as part of my Lenten duty (which is true), that I'd been trying to schedule an appointment with my priest since confession hours fall while I work at the store (which is also true) and that my priest finally called me back and said that he could work me in this afternoon (which was a complete lie). I took a two hour nap, hoping that I would feel motivated to at least go to the gym afterwards. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Still, I went to the store and got a nice dinner and Just Like Heaven, a pleasant little romantic comedy. I'm going to eat, do a little work on the file I brought home, watch my movie, get ready for tomorrow and make it an early night. Hopefully I can hit the ground running tomorrow.