Better

The weekend shaped up a lot better than the auguries of Friday predicted. I managed to get some stuff done on Saturday, even though I was sober and still feeling a mite twitchy. The apartment manager left a "Twenty-Four Hour Notice to Enter Premises" under my door Friday so that they could inspect the fire detectors and pipes on Saturday. This did not improve my mood. I can't stand the thought of strangers tramping through my apartment, given the state I live in. But it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It motivated me to get up reasonably early (for me) on Saturday morning in an effort to get things somewhat presentable. As is turns out, they never even followed through. Still it was boon, nonetheless.

I got a lot accomplished around the apartment on Saturday and Sunday. It was all a drop in the bucket compared to what needs to be done, but it was a start. And I had a couple of main accomplishments. First of all, I did several loads of laundry and folded, ironed and/or hung up the clean clothes. Second, I washed all of my dishes (there wasn't one that was clean) and packed them up for donation. My parents recently gave me a set of dishes that belonged to my grandparents, and I'm sure Goodwill appreciated not having nasty dirty dishes. Of course, now I have to wash the new set and find a place for them.

On Sunday I managed to get back to the gym. I found out that the backslide after my fast caused me to gain back 5 pounds and 1 inch, but that wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. I did 50 minutes of cardio and some arm and ab strength training. I made it back to the gym on Monday, but for some reason I was so sluggish. I don't know if I didn't sleep well, or what, but going through my whole routine was an uphill struggle all the way.

On Sunday I also managed to get to church. During his sermon, the pastor made a point about how people come up to him all the time and ask, "Father, why can't I find a spouse?" (I'm not one of them, I swear...No matter how much that sounds like me.) The priest said that people should embrace their singularity (or whatever) and rejoice in the fact that they can focus on strengthening their relationship with God without the distraction of a partner. But quite frankly, between you and me, I think that God and I are starting to get on each other's nerves, and I’m pretty sure that He wouldn’t mind getting me out of the house.

I didn't get much practical stuff done on Monday. As I said, I did go exercise. But other than that, I mostly just slept in and got myself ready for a barbeque I'd been invited to that evening at the home of one of the attorneys I work with. He's "family," though he's cagey about it at our firm, and it's only recently that he confirmed it to me. I'm quite forthcoming at work, freed as I was when I left the repressively homophobic environment of Memphis. Yet I can see where someone would want to play it on the "down low" in a conservative workplace. The party itself was fun with a lot of good food I pigged out on. (I told myself I was feeding the new muscle that was developing after two whole days at the gym.) I'm attracted to one of this attorney's friends whom I've met previously, and that attraction isn't mutual. But I didn't waste (much of) my time and simply enjoyed the gathering.

Tuesday was pretty much a wash. I got to bed late and then slept late. I got up and ate some food, but then lay down again. The only thing I got done was taking a big load of donations to Goodwill, although that did free up some space in my apartment. Part of the problem was that I generally felt ennui'd, and I also had a constant nag of OCD anxiety tugging at the back of my mind. Being asleep seemed preferable, so I basically slept all day. I got up last night and put my stuff together for this morning. Then I went back to bed again.

Today I've been a bit testy and peevish...enough to where it was noticed. I'm obviously moody, but I usually present a relatively even keel to those around me, particularly those people I don't know well. I don't know...my outlook just seems so dreary, without any color or hope of things to come. I'm sure I'll get over it. I always do.

"Just like the rain
I'll be always falling
Only to rise
And fall again..."
—The Thompson Twins, "If You Were Here"

Sweet-Assed Lesbian

I have no problem with androgyny, per se. I mean, WTF. People can do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t mess with others. But I wish cute lesbians wouldn’t wear short hair. When I was on the stair-stepper at the gym Sunday, my eyes locked on what-I-thought-was a guy's ass. I was all, like, "I'd sure like to hit that." Then I find that it was a girl! I can appreciate a lot about the female body. (I love tata's!) But my ass-starin' is reserved exclusively for dudes!

A Reason to Give Thanks

This weekend, as I was walking through the streets of Hollyweird, I realized (or I should say, remembered) how much I like being in Los Angeles. I detested living in Memphis. All in all, it's not a bad place, but it certainly wasn’t for me. I feel more at home and at ease. And I've managed to survive—if not exactly thrive—here. That’s quite an accomplishment given my total lack of practical life skills. It's good to appreciate things.