Not So Good

I had an incredibly heinous Friday after a rather dreadful week. Work was pretty much a crapfest from the get-go. I worked ten-hour days Monday and Tuesday, though Tuesday's emergency project turned out to be an exercise in futility. Wednesday I came in late, but still put in an eight-and-a-half day. Thursday I overslept and called in and told them that I'd "forgotten" to tell them about a dental appointment I had that morning. When I finally got in around 11 a.m., I pretty much phoned in the four hours I worked. Friday we were blessedly allowed to leave at 3 p.m. on account of the holiday weekend, and I took an hour lunch with a gay law clerk who used to work at our office. In the midst of all of this, I managed to screw up a couple of things and ruffle the feathers of one of the partners when I said, "You go, girl!" to him. (He told me he would "fire me on the spot" if I ever said that to him again, and I found out later that he was only half-kidding.)

The first few days after my prayer & fasting went well and as planned. Rather predictably things went south after that. Blah! Blah! Blah! Anxiety and depression... Blah! Blah! Blah! Drugs and alcohol... Blah! Blah! Blah! Cheap sex and pointless obsession with STD's... Blah! Blah! Blah! As soon as I got home this past Friday, I lay down for a nap, even though I'd gotten about fifteen hours sleep the night before. Once I woke up I didn't know what the hell to do with myself, and of course I didn't have anyone to turn to for help. (All I needed was for someone to hang out with me and watch a movie or chat while I tried to get some stuff done. I didn't need anyone to pitch in or even listen to me complain. I just needed someone to be there!) I finally mustered up enough strength to go out and get some comedy DVD's and some beer so that I could get drunk enough to go to sleep. That was June 30th, and now I'm trying to commit myself this month to my lenten asceticism. Blah! Blah! Blah! Proper diet and exercise... Blah! Blah! Blah! Clean my apartment and budget my finances... Blah! Blah! Blah!

As I Wait For You

"Stopped by. Where were you?"
—Godot

I've been kinda hung up on a guy recently. In spite of what seemed like could have been a promising beginning, he hasn't returned my communiqué. And I even played it fairly cool. Regardless of the windows into his personality I have available, I know that I don't really know him from Adam. In fact, he may be in a serious relationship or married. (He seems the type.) But I kinda liked him. Well, at least the fantasy I'd made up about him and how we would relate to each other. Truth be told, at times I don't think that I have ever had a relationship with anyone: friend, family, lover or foe. All I've ever had is schizophrenic intersections as I bumble across another's consciousness. This leads to awkward situations where I realize the scenerio I've been living in my head doesn't have much to do with reality and the other person realizes that I'm a beer short of a six pack. ("Mmmm...Beer!")

Speaking of getting shot down, I went on the gay hike in Griffith Park the week before last and was clumsily flirting with this French guy. He's interesting, fun to talk to and furry. (I'm into that.) But my attraction to him is more casual than it was for this other guy. Though we chatted quite a bit (and he seemed amenable to that), I got the sense that he wasn't particularly keen on moving things any further. Oh well. C'est la vie.

"You're always on the prowl, aren't you?"
—My mother

So there I am, back to square one. I don't who "You" are. Or where "You" have been. But I do know that "You" are far, far too late.